My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she smelled like a LAN party
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
