I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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