Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
