he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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