Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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