It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
