the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He had one of those small greek statue penises
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
is wine microwaveable?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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