the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
