I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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