I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I can feel your judgement through the phone
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
