If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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