yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
