it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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