you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
And the cops told us we were all naked.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
