Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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