you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
