How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
