i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
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You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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