We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
