3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
