Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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