I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
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I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
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Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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