youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We have started to decorate penises.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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