Sacagawea was the original milf.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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