Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
