She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
