So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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