Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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