I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
