she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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