did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
