I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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