He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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