Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
A bitchslap is in order.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
