how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
