Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Randomize
