the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
