Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.