if only i could text you this smell
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.