I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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