I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
