Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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