Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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