I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
