Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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