what day is it and did you see me today?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
