I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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