I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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