Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Houston, we have a blender
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
