i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit