Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
