Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you traded sex for a burrito?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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