Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
